November 23, 2011
The movie I thought I was getting was Star Slammer. What I got was Alienator. Now there is a funny title, Alienator. The title can be seen as a warning to the audience as that is what it is going to do to you, alienate you. Now, this movie is nothing you are going to want to go running home to see. In the grand scheme of things, you would be much better off not having laid eyes on it.
Alienator stars Jan Michael Vincent. Yes, the same. Well, perhaps stars is not the right word. The truth is that he gets top billing and only appears in the opening moments and once more at the end. He has maybe five minutes of total screen time and his character doesn't even have a name, he is credited merely as Commander. Doesn't matter much, it is not like his presence is an actual game changer or anything.
The story goes that Kol (Ross Hagen) is some sort of intergalactic bad guy about to be executed on board a prison ship. Things go wrong and he escapes, using a conveniently located escape pod from the high tech ship whose interiors look like factories and cardboard. The escaped bad guy sets course for Earth where he lands in a forest and is promptly hit by a group of twenty-somethings out for a little camping fun.
The gang picks up the unconscious guy and attempt to help him, along with a forest ranger named Ward Armstrong (John Philip Law). When Kol wakes up, he tells of an evil being that is looking for him and will kill anything in its path. The gang decides to protect him, or save themselves, and make the assumption he is on the level.
Back at the start, the last thing Commander does before disappearing for the bulk of the movie is activate the Alienator, a cyborg programmed to kill. The Alienator (bodybuilder Teagan Clive) is a a female cyborg with a costume that is simply indescribable. Well, it shows up in the woods and everyone begins running around shooting.
There is no plot development, no characters, and no action of any consequence. They continue running and shooting and screaming until Kol is revealed to be a bad guy and the climax is reached which allows for some final action on board the ship.
There is not really much of anything to say. There are no characters to really care about. The action is boring. The story is non existent. There is no redeeming value for this. Even bad movie fans would be better off looking elsewhere. I am left wondering if Star Slammer might have been any better...
Posted by Christopher Beaumont at 11/23/2011 10:11:00 PM
Chris has been an avid movie watcher for decades, getting into the writing game in 2004. Since that time he has contributed to a number online publications as well as running CriticalOutcast.com. In addition to movies, Chris is a big fan of music, particularly metal, and will never give up hope on his beloved Mets.